A Middle of the Night Experience

This is what happened on July 3, 2000. It was about 2 AM. I had been really tired that evening, and went to bed about 7 PM. I was feeling really sad, really lonely. After I woke up, I was lying in my bed, and I asked WHY am I afraid to love? WHY am I afraid to be loved?

Then I think I started to drift back to sleep. A few minutes later, I woke up with this James Taylor song in my head:

Winter spring summer or fall

All you have to do is call

And I'll be there

You've Got a Friend

This is the conversation that followed:

(I said), That is you isn't it?

Yes

Why can't I love? Why can't be loved? Why can't I let you love me?

You have never been able to stop me from loving you.

I couldn't feel it

Do you feel it now?

Yes

(A few minutes later, I said) God ... Father God ... Is it still ok I call you that?

Of course.

I didn't know.

Call me anything you like. Call me Joe if you want to.

That's funny.

Thank you

I love you

I have always loved you

Then I felt like I was floating, moving through blackness at a very fast speed. We went to a place that was blue. Everything was blue. All different beautiful shades of blue. The ground was blue, the trees were blue, even the air was blue. It was so peaceful, so calm. There was so much love. It was such a wonderful place. I didn't notice if there were other people there. I was too overwhelmed by being in such a strange place, the blueness of everything, and the amazing sense of Love I was feeling.

Then we went further. Again through blackness, until we came to the strangest place. It was like a void. There was nothing there. It was neither a good place nor a bad place. There wasn't good or evil, happy or sad, it was just nothing. Empty.

I didn't like it. I was afraid.

(I asked) where are you?

Here. I am here. All there is here is me. This is me.

(I asked) can we go back to the blue place?

If you want

Please I want to go back to the blue place

(So we did)

This time we were immediately there. No traveling to get there. And there was more peace and calm. And the most amazing, overwhelming sense of Love.

Then the cat jumped on me, disturbing me. I was immediately back in my room, in my bed. I was shaking. I needed to write. This was just too amazing to remember without writing it down. I knew it was NOT all a dream.

I wanted to understand it. I started asking people if they had been to the Blue place or the other place that felt like a void. Nobody I asked knew of the blue place, but they said it was probably a place of peace for me. But they all knew about the void. A void that wasn't really a void. A void that was really God. Nothing and Everything at the same time. I still didn't understand it. Finally a few nights later, it came to me. In the beginning there was nothing. Nothing BUT God. No light, no love, no feelings, no colors, no nothing. Just God. Nothing-ness and Everything-ness at the same time. It suddenly all made sense. I asked God where He was because I was afraid of the nothing-ness. And He answered me:

Here. I am here. All there is here is me. This is me.

Next time, I will not be afraid. To be given a glimpse of God! I am still in awe, still amazed. And so, overwhelmingly, Loved. I no longer feel alone. I have felt alone for as long as I could remember. I had been asking this for months: if we are all connected, if we are all ONE, that means there is only one of us. That means we are truly alone. And if we are alone, I will never be able to not be lonely. Sometimes I am still lonely. But not alone. Never alone.